I was talking about it with a friend tonight who has been enduring some struggles of her own.
I have felt down.
Like a failure.
Busy, busy, busy, trying to catch a breath within it all.
Yesterday, while having a rough time with my kids during our school time, I actually threatened to send them to public school.
Then I thought to myself - Who actually threatens to send their kid to public school??
A lot of women, it turns out, as I found out today while at our homeschool co-op and listening to other moms who have also been struggling recently. Five other moms confessed to doing the same thing already this week!
I have been struggling with Caleb the most when it comes to feeling like a Mom failure. I listen to him try to talk and, while he has come so far, many people still struggle to understand him. He's been through speech therapy. Do I send him on to the special education program at the public school where he will be put through more classes? He's already in chiropractic care and it has definitely helped - do I just continue with that? What decisions do we make that don't fail our child's future?
He struggles with aggression, often stemming from not being understood, yet I think also coming from being 3 years old and being 3rd out of 4 kids. He's trying to find his place and make his place and it's not always very friendly. I feel like he's struggled since birth, right from his being born. He's a little fighter...in many ways.
I just feel like I'm failing him somehow. Mostly him. Noah is thriving. Ellie is excelling. Zeke is a little parrot trying to mimic what everyone is saying and doing as he learns. Caleb is in a challenging stage right now and I walk around nervous that any decision I make could be wrong. I have been trying to remind myself today how I never thought I would survive 2-5 years old with Ellie and now she's on the other side and it's such a breath of fresh air. Maybe I'm just back there but with Caleb, praying it won't last as long.
I listen to all these new homeschooling moms with their lesson plans and schedules and the way they are on task and I wonder if I'm not doing enough. I have a planner but we're pretty loose in following it. I have to remind myself that it's ok when our plans for the day change and that's one of the reasons we chose to homeschool - the flexibility. If we end up throwing math, science, copywork, and history out the window for a day to be outside and enjoying each other then that's ok because it's strengthening our family relationships and encouraging sibling bonding. That's going to be more important 20 years down the road when they're adults then them knowing the 5 characteristics of a mammal (which they can tell you, so I don't feel like a total teacher failure this week.)
On top of all those emotions, I just feel drained. Between trying to sell a house and be on the search for a new house, involved with things at church, and Tim working loooong hours to get a house finished (a 3 week job that has turned into 7 weeks), I think I'm hitting a wall. My body hit it and is now sick, but you can't really find much time to rest when you're husband's not home to help when the kids are awake. Blessings upon the single parents out there, because I could not do this for a long period of time.
And this week marks the 9 year anniversary of my miscarriage, which for me has a 2 day significance of finding out the baby was not alive on September 16th and having a D&C on September 18th. Just one more thing to add to my emotions.
This is a downer of a post and I am sorry. I guess I just wanted to put it out there because I have been talking to so many other moms in the last couple days who seem to be feeling the same way. I guess I just wanted to say that if you are feeling it - you're not alone! There must be something in the air or water.
You know what the GREAT thing is in all of this, though??
We're NOT actually failures. We're not alone though we feel lonely. We ARE in struggles, sure, but some Scripture came to my head tonight while I was collapsed on the couch from tucking Caleb into bed for the fifth time. The first is Ephesians 6:12:
10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of his might. 11 Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil. 12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places. 13 Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm. 14 Stand therefore, having fastened on the belt of truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, 15 and, as shoes for your feet, having put on the readiness given by the gospel of peace. 16 In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; 17 and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, 18 praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.
The second is John 16:33:
33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.
So. The Bible has told me I will have tribulation, trouble. That sure feels like my week. It also says that I'm not actually wrestling against flesh and blood but against cosmic powers over this present darkness. Well that also sounds like my last couple of weeks with the emotional lows. It also gives me armor to put on, thankfully. I just have to be the one to do it. Finally, this passage is what I've been repeating over and over tonight, 2 Corinthians 12:9:
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
I am weak. Thankfully, I have a powerful God who gives me strength. If I was always strong and thinking I could handle things on my own, what need would I have for a Savior?
The lyrics of this song speak so much to me this week. I hope they do as well to you.
Oh, I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense
Oh, God, how I need You....